Episode 35: Practicing Gratitude: A Conversation With Madison Malloy & Anand Sukhadia
Being grateful for what you have is key to a happy life. Most people would want everything in their life to be perfect – a perfect house, a perfect spouse, or a perfect job. If there's one thing you will learn today, it's that perfection doesn't exist. Just be grateful for what you have. Join Madison Malloy, the host of Next to Madison, engage in a conversation about gratitude with Anand Sukhadia. Learn what gratitude means to them. Find out how to manifest your energy, how to find the right relationship partner, and so much more. Could the key to success be in appreciating the things you have now? Open your heart and listen to this soulful conversation.
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Practicing Gratitude: A Conversation With Madison Malloy & Anand Sukhadia
I'd like to bring on my guest, my friend, Anand Sukhadia. What does gratitude mean to you?
That's an interesting topic because it's such a big part of my life. Let me say that this is a cool synchronicity because 108 is a sacred number in Hinduism. Many prayers have 108 mantras or 108 different names of different Gods in the Hindu pantheon. It's a sacred number in many religions. If you know the Mala beads that people wear, there are 108 different beads in there of the Rudraksha rocks. It's pretty cool that we're on for 108.
I didn't even know that. What are the odds? Things happen for a reason.
For me, gratitude is such a vast topic. Essentially, the first aspect of it is falling in love with your life and yourself. Even if you can't find that love for yourself right now, you have to be dedicated to being on the road to find it. It might take you a long time, it might take you a couple of weeks, but the number one premise that you have to put for your life above everything else is, “I'm on the road to happiness." Maybe not today, maybe not tomorrow, but I'm going to get there.
We've all been there. I've talked to you for many years and there were times where you were unhappy. You've talked to me and there have been times that I struggled through things and relationships or failed businesses. At the same time, we dedicate ourselves to knowing that this universe is abundant. Why is it that little old me is struggling to find gratitude in so much beauty around us? Even in this crazy time that we live in, it's almost like a clown world that we're living in. If you can find gratitude at this moment, then you're starting to master your life.
If people have read self-help books, the one that's the most notable is The Secret that everyone talks about. It talks about gratitude and being thankful. Getting up every day and being thankful that you can breathe, that you're alive, that your feet work, you have friends, you have a roof over your head. What does that mean exactly? One of the things that I came up with that that I thought was interesting and you might like this, I hope you do, but I thought to myself, “This is why you need to give gratitude to the universe or, in my case, God.”
If you went to a friend's birthday and you spent all this time getting them this amazing gift that you were excited to give them. You gave that gift to that friend and they didn't seem to have any excitement around it. It was almost like they didn't care or it's another thing. It was, “Thank you.” You put so much time and effort into it and you feel yucky like, “Why weren't they as excited as I was?” That's how the universe feels when you're not excited about all the gifts they give you.
Why does the universe or God want to give you more if you're not excited for all the stuff that they've given you? That's the analogy that clicked that I feel everyone can relate to because everybody's had that gift they've given that they were excited about and the receiver didn't seem to be as excited about it. It’s that yucky feeling. If you put that into perspective, I get it now. Why would they give me more if I'm not excited about what I already have?
You mentioned The Secret. There was this good visual. I don't know if you saw the movie or read the book, but they talk about your thoughts as your manifestations. They start as a little seed. Here's the ground, the air and the soil. It starts as this little seed and then it starts sprouting up and you're putting more energy into it. It's almost like you're feeding it with soil, water and all the things that it needs. It doesn't come in the timeline that you think it's going to come into, all of a sudden, you stop watering that garden or that plant. Instead of the seed growing, it detracts. It stops coming out into the sun and it's your manifestation. Once it pops through the soil into the air, that's when it's starting to manifest and you can physically see it in your world, your physical reality, what subconsciously is being done. If we stop giving attention to it, then that's what hinders us.
What you said is true because The Secret talks about thinking, what you want, and then trying to call it in, manifestation. The feeling aspect is the most important thing. Everything in this universe is energy. Let's talk about emotion. The emotional charge is the fuel of that energy. You say e-motion, energy in motion. When you're putting all these good feelings towards something, it's starting to percolate, it's starting to create this soup, this mix of stuff that it needs to manifest. If you want a relationship, a new job, a new career, a business, whatever it is, if you put all of your attention and all of your commitment towards that, and you put your entire energy into it, it's going to happen. If you're 99% committed versus 100% committed, it's a huge difference. You have most of the stuff in 99%, but you don't have that last 1% to make it happen.
I'll give you an example in terms of one of my greatest manifestations. I went to a seminar back in December of 2019. It was a Tony Robbins seminar. One of his seminars called Date with Destiny. It's one of his most awesome seminars that anyone's ever attended. We did this exercise about finding or attracting your ideal mate. For people who didn't have a mate and they're looking to attract one, he said, “Write down a love letter to this person who you're going to attract in the present moment and talk about the entire relationship with everything you want.” I wrote this long letter. It was six pages long with every detail of who I wanted. Not only the person who I want but also who I had to become in order to attract that person. I wrote it down in the seminar. For every single day for the next four months, I was reading it every single day, during my meditation, during my prayers and focusing on that, “This is what I'm attracting.”
In four months, I ended up finding my soulmate. My girlfriend at the time right now. I want to start a family with her and everything like that. It's because of that emotional charge I put into it. The more emotion you put into something, the more you're going to see it. That goes for the opposite side too. If you're putting all your energy into fear, you're manifesting fear-based things, which lead to scarcity and things that take you away from the stuff that you do want to create. When we're living in this dichotomy of the world, we have this love and then we have the fear. Where do you want to navigate your ship towards? You're going to get whatever you put your heart to. If it's fear, “I'm not good enough. I don't have enough money,” and all this stuff, then we're not achieving the things that we want. That's what happens.
You nailed it with the emotion, which is the feeling part of it. A lot of people read The Secret for the first time or the second time and I know that I did this. All this stuff sounded great. You would say, “I want X amount of dollars. I want this partner,” whatever it is that you wanted. The thing is it never happened to me because I didn't have the feeling part. My emotions were tied around, “Is this going to happen? Am I going to get the big break?” My emotions and my feelings were more around the fear and anxiety part of my life for so long. You have to feel it.
When we bring it back to gratitude, you have to not just get up in the morning and say, “I'm thankful that I have a roof over my head. I'm thankful that I have heat, a bed, pillows, family and friends.” You have to feel how lucky you are. It’s like, “I have this amazing warm bed that I get to sleep in and get a good night's rest. I have running water.” Some people are like, “I got to get up for work.” You have a job that provides you income. Feeling those things and you put them into perspective is going to grant you more of that.
If you're not grateful for the little things, how could you expect some of the greatest things to come to you? We all know people that complain, “I want to meet the perfect guy or the perfect girl.” They describe everything that they are. Are you the energetic match for that person? We always have to ask ourselves, if we want to attract the perfect woman or the perfect guy, who do we have to become to get that? Who do we have to say it as to be given that? If you want someone positive and grateful and all that stuff, why are you focusing all of your attention on becoming that magnet that brings in that exact energy? It all starts from within.
Gratitude Practice: When you put all your energy into something, it starts to manifest and it will happen.
I'm a big believer in self-responsibility and self-determination. Everybody lives in the same world, the same universe, the same cities or whatever it is. How is it that some people have such a clear lens and sees things positively and then other people see some things with such muck? It's hard for them to understand how this world is so terrible and all this kind of stuff? It depends on our energy. If we're driving down the highway and one person has a clear windshield and the other one has a bird crap all over it, it's the same highway, but there's a different perspective. “This highway is disgusting,” versus, “I can see 100 feet ahead or 1,000 feet ahead.”
We've known each other for over ten years. You met me when I was starting my career. We had many conversations. I was riddled with fear and anxiety. I was always anxious and everything made me nervous. There's the rush to get things done and having money so people took me seriously. It was pushing all that stuff away. I'm not going to lie. It took a long time to finally wake up and a lot of self-help seminars and a lot of self-help books. The problem was I was reading this great information, but I wasn't feeling it or acting on the emotional part of it. That was the biggest key.
For me, it was when I had to get up in the morning to go to a day job so I could pay my rent and live my dream. I was tired. It was like, “I am tired. I got to wash my hair today. I got to get up another extra hour early.” Now being like, “I have a job that allows me to do what I need to do. I have clean water to wash my hair. I have hair.” There are so many things that you can be grateful for. We all hate getting ready. I get it. It's a chore. It's a pain. We all like how we feel once we're getting ready. If we could appreciate the getting ready part of it, then the days will go a lot smoother.
There are so many things we could be grateful for and there are also many things we can complain about. Where do you want to choose to spend your time? I was telling you earlier that something came to me. This sounds a little bit harsh but not being in a state of gratitude is a form of selfishness. People who are always dwelling on, “Why is my life so hard?” All this stuff. We all go through challenges. We all go through shit. Sometimes we’re hurt by other people. At the end of the day, that’s also fuel. You're putting stuff in the bank account of, “I'm a victim.” Sometimes, horrible things happen. I'm not discounting that whatsoever. How do you want to react to that? Are you going to let that affect you for the rest of your life or are you going to use that as fuel to become a stronger version of yourself and look at that adversary as a lesson and move forward?
One example that a lot of people talk about is Oprah Winfrey. When she was younger, she was molested, raped, verbally abused, physically abused, emotionally abused in every which way. A lot of people would break emotionally, mentally, physically and spiritually. She had a hard time. She went through her healing journey and contributing to other people. That was her healing journey. Look at her now and what she's doing in the world, the planet and the influence that she has. I wouldn't think she's ever the type of person to talk about, “I'm a victim because of all the things that happen.” She's empowered because of it.
We can use whatever story we have because we all have a story. Somebody was in love. Somebody was abused as a child. Somebody didn't get the attention that they needed and they weren't hugged. Whatever it is, we all have a story. Some of them are more extreme than others. At the same time, this is your life. You came here and you have to deal with it. We can either choose to be in gratitude or we can choose to be in victimhood. We can choose to be upset about stuff, be angry and look at other people for the cause of our misery.
It's easy to play the victim. It's easy to “woe is me” type of thing when something happens. It's okay to feel those emotions if something doesn't go your way. Right before I got on this call, I was excited about a project I've worked on. We did a great sizzle for it. It was a scripted show. I sent it to this guy and I thought he’d be excited about it because the feedback was great. It was, “I don’t like it. Too slow. Not interesting.” At that moment, I could have been like, “I'm bummed. The whole day was ruined.” I took it for what it was.
I am in the art business. Not everyone's going to like everything and that's okay. I said, “I'm thankful that I had something for him to watch. I'm thankful that this pushes me one step closer.” Maybe I can take some of his notes and maybe I won't. It's given me that drive to push forward. I then jumped on this call. I feel like if that had happened to me years ago, I would have been crying. I would have been like, “I'm not good enough. I'm never going to make it.” This was just another blip.
The other thing is when I get noes, instead of being upset about them, I get excited. The reason I get excited when I hear no is because I know I'm that much closer to get in the door that's going to say yes. I know that sounds cliche and stupid. It's in every self-help book. You're like, “Really?” I'm telling you, it's true. When you get that rejection, be grateful for it because you're like, “Wow.” Maybe you have to knock on 1,000 doors before the one that's meant to be is open. Every no you get is getting you closer to that one that's going to open.
It’s empowering. Whereas before, you said it would affect you completely. Maybe this person doesn't have a good sense of humor. Maybe this person is not the right fit for you. Maybe if it went through, it would have been horrible. You want someone who's all about what you're trying to share with the world. When we get this word rejection, that rejection doesn't exist. The only time we stop playing the game is when we pull ourselves out of the game. All you need is one yes. That's what we're all working towards.
That is the thing that can be frustrating, especially for people in entertainment. You do hear many noes. If it's not making you happy, you should pivot and probably do something else. It's not fair for you in your life to be unhappy. If acting or whatever it is within entertainment makes you happy, then this rejection won't matter. It'll propel you forward. It's that old saying, “All it takes is one.” It can be annoying to hear. At the same time, you're like, “If all it takes is one, then I'm a numbers person. I'm going to back end and put the statistics in my favor.”
This could be anybody. Whether you're an artist, an entrepreneur, or you're working at a big company, the rejection doesn't matter. You keep moving forward. If it's fueling what you want to do, then you keep pushing forward. This is what I was saying, the numbers game. It’s being a statistics person in a way. If all it takes is one, then that means I need to up my chances. If I have one, my odds are good because I'm not going to give up, but they're going to take me longer to get there.
What if I had ten amazing things and I'm equally as excited and I've done equally as much work on all of them and they're all different, now I've got ten and all you need is one. That one will open the door to the rest of the nine. It's putting those statistics in your favor. If you're a business and you're coming up with a new product, don't put everything in one thing. Have several things. That way, if one doesn't go, it's not a big deal because you have the next one right there ready to go.
One of the things I love about you, Madison, is that when you started your career in stand-up comedy, it's not like that was the only thing you're doing. You're also doing other stuff. You had a successful career in finance. You’re still doing that. You're getting involved in cryptocurrency and killing it with that.
This is a buy time. You don’t buy in the highs. You buy in the lows. That was gratitude. I was grateful the market fell for me.
Many people on the other side looked at it as terrible. I had to catch myself because I said it was a bad week. In reality, that’s part of the cycle of the market. It's funny because the day that it happened, I was sitting with my girlfriend. We were on the rocks in Jersey City here. We were looking at the water. There was so much life. There were ducks and everything. We look into the water and I see this dead fish floating. I see another dead fish. There are two fish floating. She's like, “That's sad. Why is there death and all this stuff?” I thought about it for a second. We look at these things like a dead fish, and we get sad or whatever it is. In reality, that's part of the cycle of life.
Gratitude Practice: When you're living in this dichotomy of the world, you live in love and fear. Where do you want to navigate your ship towards? You're going to get whatever you put your heart to.
In the market, they go up and they go down. That's the beauty of it. Otherwise, if it's just going up, it wouldn't make any sense. It wouldn't be sustainable. Where there's life, there's going to be death. The way that we look at these things is we’re looking at them from judgment. We see a fish and we get sad that it's dead. We then start thinking about our own life. Someday, we're not going to be here. We go into this loop of stuff rather than looking at all the beautiful life that was going on. The birds were singing. The sun is shining. It is beautiful. There’s sunshine on our face, vitamin D, and all these amazing things.
We had a nice drink together with some tea. It was beautiful. We were focused on that one thing that was a blurry part of the picture. In reality, it's all how we take everything. That can be said for any aspect of your life. When we're focused on the one thing that's off or it doesn't fit our version of the perfect thing, there is no such thing as perfect. We're constantly evolving. That's all we're doing. This life is an experience. We're here for a short amount of time. We get to choose how we want to focus our energy or emotion as we talked about.
I used to be this way. I feel that I'm a good person to give this advice when friends are dating and whatnot. They'll get a message and then, all of a sudden, they're analyzing the text message. “What do you think this means?” The fact that they have to even analyze the message means he doesn't like you. I’m sorry, but it doesn't matter how beautiful you are or how awesome you are, you're not fit. You should be grateful that that guy is being aloof because now you can delete him and move on with your life.
We fall into those societal standards that have been created, go to college, get a job, stay at the job, buy a house, get married and have kids. You see the majority of people doing that. That's a beautiful thing. What if you step back and realize that God, the universe or whatever you believe gave you this amazing unique life with this amazing unique gift that we all have? We're not all meant to be on that same path. For me, did I have a desire to meet a great guy and get married at one point? Yeah. Do I still have that? Yes, but I'm not putting everything into that. I'm allowing God to bring that person to me if it's meant to be. I'm like sitting on a boat and I'm letting life take me where it should take me. If that's meant for me, then I'll happily accept that.
My life is fulfilled and exciting that I don't necessarily need that. I try to express this to my single friend where she’s like, “Dating is awful. There are so many awful people. I have to go on all these stupid dates.” I said, “Why do you have to do that?” “I want to meet somebody.” I said, “That's great. What if you step back, took the control off and let it ride, and be grateful for all the stuff that you do have? All the time you have that you get to now spend with friends that you know you're going to have a good time with versus going on these crappy dates.” I wish people would understand that and step back from it. You don't have to get married.
It’s the same for me. It took me all this time to find somebody. Who knows what happens in the future? The moment you stop feeling like there's a destination that you have to hit to be happy, that's when you become free. It's about falling in love with your life. Fall in love with your life and the journey that you're on and be appreciative of all the things you've gone through. We're kind and loving to the family members that we love and our best friends. We're there for emotional support. Anytime they need us, we get on the phone with them. How many of us treat ourselves that way? The minute we start treating ourselves with that level of care, then we can start healing ourselves. If you're waiting for other people to love you and you don't love yourself, there's a big divide there. There won't be real love if you do attract somebody and you're not loving yourself, you don't have your boundaries or you don't have the vision for your life.
I talked about this all the time with my girlfriend. I’m like, “Regardless of whatever happens to us, I want you to completely be happy and love your life. I want me to completely be happy and love my life. We choose to be together. The moment we decide if we decide ever to not be together, then we're going to continue to carry that beauty of our whole lives with us and not feel broken or hurt or any of that stuff.” At the end of the day, we come alone and then we die alone. I believe in reincarnation and how energy is always transmuted. It's never destroyed. There is life after this. Once we go on to the next chapter of that story, it's going to be us. Be comfortable with who you are and your life. Learn to love it because this is us. This is all we got.
A lot of people, especially older generations, were raised to always put others first and to not think of themselves. If you think too highly of yourself, you are selfish, you're a narcissist. You always heard this like, “Don't eat the nourishing food. Offer it to somebody else.” All of a sudden, this self-help thing came rushing in. It was like, “Love yourself.” I've been conditioned my whole life to like myself but you always put others first. All of a sudden, they were telling you, “No. That's where you're going wrong.” People had to recondition themselves that loving themselves is not selfish. Loving yourself makes you a whole being to provide more for other people. He said that not loving yourself is selfish. You can do more for people when you are truly in your gift. You can inspire people. You can help people on their journey. There are many things you can do. You can make them laugh. You can prove that this happens.
We all have our own things. I used to have a complaint where I was like, “I wish my hair wasn't so thick. It takes forever to wash.” I'm like, “People have hair falling out of their head. I got to stop this shit.” The thing is you meet a girl with straight hair and she wants curly hair. You meet a girl with curly hair and she wants straight hair. I got news for you, all of us are different. We all have our shit. Be grateful for it. I wonder if I was like this years ago if I would have gotten fake tits. I always ask myself that.
I don't have a time machine, Madison. There are a lot of things I would probably do differently. How can I say that? I am who I am because of all the shit that I've gone through. I would have made a lot better decisions and achieved certain things quicker. I would not have been the person that I am now If success came easily to me or whatever it is.
The thing is you have to go through your struggles to be able to learn and shape you on your journey. Now that things are starting to happen for me and I've gotten out of my way, I'm grateful for everything I have around me and the opportunities seem more clear. Everybody wants to be a multi-millionaire at 25. You show up with all your friends. You're partying. You're still really hot. I always say, "I'm glad I was not rich when I was younger because I would be such an A-hole." You don't have appreciation. You don't have to struggle to make you understand that people are either in their way or they don't have the gifts or they don't have the opportunities. You got to help where you can. I always say that struggle is a gift because it makes you appreciate and have gratitude for the smaller things. If everything came easy, you'd have nothing to be grateful for. That's a big thing. Hindsight is 20/20. Looking back, if I was having this conversation years ago, I'd be like, “Struggle is terrible. I just want all this to work out. Why isn't this working for me?”
Adversity should be welcomed. We don't grow unless we step outside of whatever our comfort zone is. If everything comes easily to us, where is the lesson? At 25, if I was a millionaire, I'd probably blow all that money because it would’ve seemed easy. Going through the hardships and acknowledging, “I overcame so much to get to where I am.” I kept overcoming. I felt like everything was uphill. Finally, I got to a place where I could see downhill and I'm like, “That was all worth it.” Not only just for the stuff that I was able to achieve but also for the mindset that I was able to create. It's like working out. If you constantly do resistance training, all of a sudden, your muscles get stronger. This is the same thing with your mind. If you keep pushing yourself out of your comfort zones and can overcome it and you're still here based on that, then you become bigger than any obstacle.
One of the practices I was going to share about gratitude is putting yourself in “uncomfortable positions." Meditation is a good way to do it and cold showers. If you commit to a practice of cold showers every single day, even one minute at the end of your shower, turn it cold, you have to be fully present at that moment. If you could be grateful for that, then you're building that muscle of putting your body through certain hardships. Afterward, you feel incredible. You feel alive, you feel the inflammation go down in your body. You have to breathe deeply. You're out of there and you're like, “I feel high because all these endorphins are rushing into my head.” That's a good practice to do. If you could commit to that for 30 days, see where your life is going to go emotionally, mentally and physically how you feel. That's good practice.
A cold shower, that sounds miserable. Now that you started explaining that it has endorphins, I'm like, “Oh my gosh.” I did hear that you're supposed to do a quick rinse with your hair with cold water at the end because it seals in everything.
It closes all the pores.
Shampoo breaks up easier in cold water versus warm water or hot water. Every day you get in the shower, you have a nice warm or hot shower and you get all sudsy and you're all rinsed off. Before you get out, you torture yourself for a minute with cold water. I'm going to try this. I might be screaming.
It's never easy. The decision to do this every single day is torture. Once you do it, then you know, “I'm in this for the next minute.” You have to breathe. You have to calm yourself. It's a good grounding. It's almost a meditation. It's a spiritual experience because when you're in there, you're going to have to figure out, “How to survive in the next minute?” It's a powerful thing to do.
What else do you do?
Gratitude Practice: Most girls with straight hair want curly hair, and most girls with curly hair want straight hair. Everyone has bigger problems than that. Just be grateful for what you have.
Putting your body through hard things. Sauna is another thing. I do infrared saunas. I have a wellness spa here in Jersey City. I'm in the infrared sauna 3 or 4 times a week. That's good for your mind and body as well. You're helping detox. I do a lot of meditation. I do hard workouts and sweat a lot. The more you put your body through certain things, then your mind knows, "Every single time I can do this, I'm getting better and better." Hot yoga is another amazing thing that I do. I do that twice a week. First of all, I'm not flexible. I have to continue the evolution of getting more flexible.
At the beginning of the class, I'm like, "It's going to be hard." Once I’m done, I exert every ounce of energy I have into it. When you go into Shavasana or the rest pose, I'm grateful for what I did with my body and my mind. It's never easy. Afterward, you get all the rewards. That's a microcosm. It’s a metaphor for life. The journey is not always easy to get through certain things and the adversity that you go through. The more you put yourself out of your comfort zone and you come out on the other side, you're always going to feel so much better about yourself. Even going into a relationship, maybe there's a lot of hesitancy or whatever. You go through it. If you don't come out with lessons, good or bad experiences, you're not doing it right. We should always be coming out with lessons in everything we do.
You've been able to manifest. You're grateful for this amazing, beautiful hot woman that you got. She's so pretty. She's amazing. I sometimes still have it. You still have that underlying fear of getting hurt. You've known me for a while. My breakup years ago rocked me. It was a painful time in my life. I'm grateful for that time because it made me grow so much. I don't think I would get as hurt now because if somebody doesn't want to be with me, I see it as that fun rejection or that fun no, where I'm like, "I'm that much closer to the one that does." We all don't want to get hurt. We all wonder sometimes, "What could be wrong with me? Why did this person like me but I liked them?" How do you get yourself out of that? Not being afraid of getting rejected and being more grateful for what you are.
I've been hurt in so many relationships. I put so many eggs into certain baskets. I realized that I was taking a lot of responsibility for a lot of them. In terms of relationships, choosing the right partner is so much of the journey. I’ve dated lots of people throughout my life. I've been in a lot of relationships, but I never kept my standards and my boundaries. In this relationship, I'm excited about it. First of all, we never know the future. I talked about this with Kate all the time. The moment that we decide it's not the right thing to do to stay together, we'll have that conversation and we'll do it in a sacred way.
At the end of the day, I want her to live her happiest life. I want to live my happiest life. Right now, we're on that same page and we're growing together. We have the same life goals and all that stuff. At the end of the day, how do we predict the future? Anyone who says, “I'm going to love you forever.” You have to make that choice every single day. It's one of those things where I don't think I'm ever going to be hurt in that way. It's going to be sad if relationships or even friendships end. The first thing you have to do is love yourself unconditionally. Have your boundaries and your standards for what you want in life. Be expressive of it and talk about the things that you love. Talk about the things that you fear and the things that you desire in a relationship and life.
Try to find somebody who is aligned with that. Even if you're aligned, things can happen. You got to be able to go through adversity together. If you go through adversity on your own, great, but you're going to go through adversity together. These are things you're going to have to face no matter what. It's a self-development exercise. As you go through adversity on your own, you're going to have to learn from the stuff that happens together.
I feel that I've been able to work on my confidence and things. I have confidence in all areas of my life. I'm still working on the relationship area confidence because I haven't been successful. I don't put myself out there either. You said something interesting about expressing your needs, which is good because I feel that many people are afraid to express their needs. They don't want to come off as needy. Getting rid of people is an amazing thing to do because then you get closer to that end person that you’re supposed to be with. This is what I need. For example, I want a guy who I don't have to question anything anymore. I want somebody who is attentive and is excited to be around me and see me and things of that sort. Not having those fears or anything because the rejection gets you closer to your end goal and expressing what you need. That's a fair thing. I always thought sometimes I would attract unavailable people because I wasn't available myself. My energy was attracting exactly what I was giving off.
Fearful of this person might not be emotionally available. You're putting energy and you're attracting that. When there's a void, there's going to be something that comes and fills it. If people are coming with an overflowing of love, they're going to feel somebody who's bringing that same energy. When there's a lack like, "I'm not good enough," there are going to be energy vampires that want to fill that void. It's the universe trying to balance itself out. One of the things about this exercise, which is a great exercise, is called Loves, Fears and Desires. When you start doing this right away when you're getting to know somebody, if you start talking about your fears and the person is open to hearing it without any judgment, the whole idea is for you to express your fears without any feedback. The person says thank you and listens.
It does two things. First of all, it's almost like a form of therapy where you're able to release it by telling somebody who you potentially are looking to get into a relationship with. Secondly, it's for that person to understand, “If I love this person, I know what their fears are. I can hold space for that or assure them in the future.” It's not about fixing the problem right then and there. A lot of times, guys want to fix things. It's about listening and being present. Let’s say you and I have different views on politics or something like that and I tell you something, the minute that you hear it, the potential is that you want to go back on the other side and tell me, “This is the way it should be.” It's that complex.
Instead of saying to you, “Madison, tell me about your beliefs on something,” I listen to it, even if I have different beliefs, I'm going to say, "Madison, thank you for sharing." You feel understood. You feel heard. The same thing goes with what you love about that person. The same thing goes for what you desire in a relationship. This is a good way to connect with another person. If the person is not about it, then you realize, “It's going to be hard to communicate with this person.” In that little exercise alone, it could take twenty minutes, but you're going to learn a world about this person. You could do it early on, even on a date.
A first date?
Maybe not on the first date.
I’m like, “Who’s this wackadoodle?”
At least when you get intimate. It depends on what the goal of the relationship is.
It’s before you’re intimate. Once you're intimate, I feel like that ruins a lot of stuff if you get intimate too early. It’s called the power of the pussy.
Gratitude Practice: If you could be vulnerable with somebody, it could lead to a deeper connection and intimacy.
I know you're empowered. You tell people right away, “I'm not going to be intimate with you. I need to get to know you.”
It sounds great, Loves, Fears and Desires. I love it. It’s awesome. How do you do this? Walk us through. Let's say you and I are on a date. We're sitting at a dinner table. It's our third date. How do you start this conversation?
I heard from a friend of mine about this good exercise. I don't know. It depends on how people are connecting whether it's the third date or whether it's a month into it. The way to say it is, “There's this great exercise that we can speed up so much about the emotional component of our connection and understand each other. Are you willing? Are you open to experiencing it?” You do it in bed or you do it on a couch or something like that. You have some candlelight. You make it a romantic setting. You do some eye gazing first and sit in and connect. I know it sounds corny as hell. Looking someone in the eyes uninterrupted for three minutes without saying a word can be uncomfortable for some people, but it could also help people connect even better energetically.
The first person would go and then you would talk about your fears. Once you finish talking about that, then it's your job to not say anything or to say, “I’m trying to fix it,” or any of that stuff. It's just saying thank you and accepting it. You then talk about what you love about that person. They say thank you. You talk about what you desire in a relationship or in life or whatever it is. That person says thank you. You then switch. This way, both parties are able to tell about their fears.
We've all been through trauma in relationships and hurts and all this stuff. At least it's a safe way to express that and not go into too many specifics. It’s like, “I am fearful of a partner cheating on me or a partner of mine lying to me about something or hiding something from their past,” or whatever it is. At least this person knows. If both people are invested in continuing this relationship, then they know about each other's vulnerabilities. If you could be vulnerable with somebody, it leads to a deeper connection and deeper intimacy.
It's getting rid of those fears again and being grateful for all the gifts that you have and what you bring to the table. Do you believe that people have soulmates?
I'm a spiritual guy. I truly believe everyone is my soulmate. Not just in a romantic way but I believe my friends are my soulmates. Some of the people that I've met in the last couple of years after growing my business, I feel more connected with them than I do to some of my best friends that I grew up with in high school or college. I truly feel that we're also a family. Everybody is your soulmate. If you can see them as what they are, it‘s God's presence. That's challenging sometimes because we have different opinions and we're not connected to maybe the homeless man that we see on the street or the person behind the counter or whatever it is. If we can look at everybody as a mirror and treat them with love and smile at them and inspire them, that's how we connect deeper to ourselves because we realize there's no separation between that person and ourselves.
You hear people like, “I found the one. He or she is my soulmate. We're meant to be together.” I do believe that. How do you find it? How do some people find it so soon? How do some people take forever? We're all given these different gifts and journeys that we have to go on and that's why it's important not to compare. Everyone's got their own struggles, everyone has their gifts, just be grateful. What are your top tips to stay in gratitude before we wrap this up?
Remaining present and having a practice. Journaling is important, writing down your emotions or writing down what's on your mind because you're able to release it. If we're not able to communicate it to ourselves, then it gets stuck inside. It's like a computer. If we don't defrag the computer, all these files start building up, and then they're all over the place, and then our computer slows down. When we're able to organize our thoughts through writing, journaling, meditation, breathwork, floatation therapy, there are so many different ways of doing it. Have some practice where you lighten the load that you're feeling. We all carry with us shit throughout the day. The lighter that we can live, try to live as light as a feather where you're not carrying so much emotional baggage with you, that’s the key to living a sustainable, happy and gratitude-filled life.
I would add to that being appreciative of the little things but also not just appreciative like a Hallmark card but feeling the appreciation. Even when you lay down in your bed, what would it be like not to have a bed? Appreciate that moment. The clean clothes, the clean water, the food, different things like that, and be open to receiving those things and also be grateful that you're working on yourself. That's a big thing to be grateful for too. When people start on these self-help journeys or these self-love journeys, they're like, “How do I do this? It's going to take so long.” It's only going to take as long as you let it take.
Everything is a story. You're talking about soulmates. The only soulmate that you know for sure is yourself. Treat yourself. A lot of people want to create stories about, “This is the one.” We wrap around all of our thoughts, wants and all this stuff. Maybe we don't see through the right lens or the clear lens. We see through the lens of, “All my friends are in relationships. I met this guy and I want to project all the things onto them that I want.” When that person doesn't fulfill what you want and what you desire out of them, then they become the bad person. It’s clearing out all judgment, all projections on somebody else and focus on yourself. When you can treat yourself like a soulmate, you'll naturally find that person that will come to you, whether it's the right girl, the right guy, whatever you're looking for or something else.
The right job, the right opportunity, the right cryptocurrency. People focus on relationships. I always like to take it back and be like, “Finding your dream house is as important as meeting your soulmate.” As I always tell people, everybody's on a different path or a different journey.
Finding the right shit coin to get it at $0.00001 and see it rise to $50,000 in the first week and then sell that shit. There's one more practice I want to share. I have to give credit to my girlfriend for this. She reminded me of it when I was telling her about the podcast. Find a gratitude partner. Every day, create a WhatsApp group or something like that, just between you and them. The first day, Madison, you're my partner. I’ll text you day one of gratitude, “Madison, I am grateful for the beautiful blue skies, the sunrise this morning and my meditation.” You say thank you or even an emoji, whatever it is. The next, day two, Madison, you tell me about what you're grateful for. Day three, I tell you. Day four, you tell me. We do this for three months. Every day you have a grateful accountability partner.
It's amazing and there's no complaining. Find somebody who you don't talk to maybe all the time. You're not supposed to get on the phone and then start complaining about your day or this person or that person. It’s just gratitude, that's all. If you want to find somebody like that in your life whether it's a friend you haven't talked to or connected with, “Would you like to be my gratitude partner for the next 90 days? All we're going to do is positive affirmations or positive gratitude shares from our day.” See where that takes you.
I love that. That is such a good idea. If you decide to do that, which I hope you all do, I know I'm going to do it, please hit me up. You can contact me at NextToMadison.com. Put a comment on our YouTube channel or Apple or Spotify. I want to hear that you guys are doing it so we can start creating a community to cheer each other on. Speaking of gratitude, I'm thankful for every single person that follows this show. Without you guys, I would have no audience. It keeps me going. I hope that every episode helps or inspires you or educates you in some way, shape or form. I'm so grateful for my friendship with Anand and all the experiences that we've had together and the journeys that we shared and him listening to my days where I was a victim many times. We've been able to share so many things, including cryptocurrency and all the things. We're both on our journey. We reached that level to where we can continue and see life for what it is. Anand, I'm grateful for you.
I'm so grateful for you, Madison. I love you. Thank you so much.
We'll see you guys next time to find out who's next.
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About Madison Malloy
Madison Malloy is a stand-up comedian, actress, writer, and producer based in New York City. She has performed stand-up all over the country at comedy clubs and festivals including the Odd Ball Comedy Festival, Rock on Range, and more.
She has also been seen on Fox, Dish Network, DirectTV, NBC, and much more. You can hear Madison every week on her podcast Next to Madison on iTunes, Spotify, and all other podcast platforms.
